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Today D. Kai Wilson-Viola visits Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dave to talk candidly about what it’s like to be bipolar and share her exciting IndieGoGo project.

What it’s Like to be Bipolar… – D. Kai Wilson-Viola

I’m going to do something heart-breaking for many of you to read.  I’m going to tell you the unvarnished truth about what it’s like to be a bipolar.

To do so, I need to introduce myself.

I’m Kai.  That’s not my real name, not really, but it’s the name everyone knows me by, and as soon as I can work out how, it WILL be my real name.

I’m an author, and the mother of two kids – trying desperately to get my books published and just *out there* so I can let go and write some more.  I’m the daughter, grand daughter and great granddaughter of a line of very….impetuous women.  We’re all Scottish, which explains a lot.

I live with a wonderful man, who mostly accepts my quirks, but has done his level best to teach me how to live with myself, for which I’m eternally grateful.

I am bipolar one.  That means that I’m suicidal when depressed and when manic.  I’m also considered psychotic because I see things.

So, what’s it like to be bipolar?  Honestly?  Even though I’ve known what I am for close to 12 years, the only thing I can do is describe it as being ‘me’. I don’t know the difference – I’ve never been ‘normal’ by anyone’s standards.  Even on medication, I run on a 60 day complete ‘sine wave’ cycle.  That is, I start at normal, drop to depressed, swing back to normal, keep going into manic, then drop again back to ‘normal’ and start again.  It really is like a rollercoaster sometimes.  Running on a predictable loop, but each day I wake up a little sadder for most of the cycle.

I spend 35 days or so either melancholy, depressed or flat out suicidal.  At my worst, I see things, I hear things, and I hurt myself.  There’s this woman that starts stalking me and telling me how worthless I am.

And what’s worse?  I believe her.  My psych tells me that this is a complication of what I am – I have very low self-esteem.  So low in fact that you can be an acquaintance, have met me once and tell me something bad, and I’ll believe you, if it’s a criticism of me.  I have a slightly better perspective on reviews, but only just.

That woman, whose face I can’t look up into, is with me 10 days of the 60.  A sixth of the cycle, I hear and see things.   That’s called psychosis, and is bad, and uncommon for bipolars.

I spend around 10 days on the first ‘normal’ streak – given that normal is a setting on the washing machine, the way my nurse talked to me about it is like a beach.  Depressed is drowning, normal is up on the sand, but where it’s wet…manic is out in the dunes and tracking some butterfly somewhere.

I spend five days manic.  I do not sleep (unless I’m on my meds), I clean and I write.  Lucky I’m a writer huh?

The problem is – I talk at a million miles an hour, I’ll agree to do *anything* and I am a bit funny about money.  Not completely crazy, but I’m a funny person to be around.  I’m happy and vivacious and bouncy, and mad.  Totally and utterly, but in a nice way.

I came to terms with being bipolar long ago – actually, most of the time, I try very hard to see the upside in being what I am.  I see the world differently.

Which, to be honest, stood me in good stead for Uni for four years.  I got to explore the reaches of my psyche, and understand more about the world in a way that actually now works in my favour.

I’m also lucky because though I have low self-esteem, I kinda believe in myself, in that deep, dark core that hides from the rest of the world.

And that’s when I decided that I’d help others.  So, I’m running a project called ‘Pictures in the Dark’.  I’ll be creating an anthology, and a funding campaign at IndieGoGo .  I have hope, even though I go through everything I do, and I want to give others that.

And that’s where y’all come in.  I need help to set up a foundation.  I’ve got a few days left, and I’d love all of the help and support I can get.  Whether you pass the link on, or donate, I am forever grateful.

“Pictures in the Dark” is part narration about mental health, learning to thrive and move with your moods, and if you’re caring for or living with a person with bipolar disorder, what to expect. It is quite literally a manual on the ins and outs of bipolar disorder, in plain English, not ‘medical terminology’. The first edition of the book, which was offered as a limited release PDF, didn’t contain information about medications, and what to expect.
About D. Kai Wilson-Viola
D Kai Wilson-Viola is a writer, bipolar, artist, photographer, mother and all round loon.  When not writing her fiction books, she can be found blogging at Bi-Polar Bears , Two Mid-List Indies and Author Interrupted.

Her Indiegogo campaign is to support the foundation of a project designed to create a self-sustaining publishing project designed to de-stigmatise mental health.  You can help by donating as little as $5 and change someone’s life.

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About the Author:

By day a publicity assistant, by night an avid blogger and reader. I'm happiest when I'm surrounded by books and cats, with my husband by my side. Luckily, that's a pretty apt description of most days!

Donna Brown – who has written posts on Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dave.

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