Long ago, in a Yorkshire town far, far away…
Four cats all living in the same house await the moment their two owners (who have their uses from time to time) leave for work so they can gather round and discuss current affairs. Everything from the Reformation to the irony of Cheryl Cole’s “limp, lifeless” hair product adverts is covered once a month by the feline quartet. Your dramatis personae are:-
Kain – Chair of the meetings, self-proclaimed leader and feline equivalent of Winston Churchill
Razz – Perennially sour-faced but lovable rogue with a tendency to pick one too many fights
Buggles – One-eyed charmer, the fastest eater in West Yorkshire, excited by life’s trivial things
Charlie – A born revolutionary, fiercely abhorrent to authority but always cute in his devastation
This month’s topic is…
Kain: Good evening fellow felines. Now that Beard Face is working again it’s easier to arrange these meetings. We just have to snatch moments when Frizzy Hair is asleep and the two Norwegians are safely tucked away upstairs.
Razz: Great to have Beard Face out of the house so much. The kitchen side is mine to peruse once again.
Charlie: Buggles and I can make very meticulous plans for my future conquests now. I can even lay out my strategy maps in the living room though there aren’t enough willing cats to sit on the corners and hold the damn things down.
Buggles: I almost managed to hold down all corners at once didn’t I, Charlie?
Charlie: Indeed you did, Buggles, but in order to do so you had to lie face down on the map which defeated the object of discussing my strategy with the deputies. Your black back made it difficult for them to make out anything!
Kain: Anyway, today’s meeting is about a very interesting device that our delightful owners have and I am becoming more and more concerned about it.
Buggles: Is it Beard Face’s season ticket for Barnsley FC?
Razz: He isn’t going this season, Buggles. He can’t afford it and he’s got a new novel to write remember!
Charlie: Are you referring to the tank that is parked outside the house, Kain? I’ve told you before, I intend to move it once Operation Gallagher commences.
Kain: Remind me what Operation Gallagher is again?
Charlie: It’s my direct assault on the felines of Manchester, of course.
Razz: I’m assuming the Gallagher bit comes from the brothers in Oasis.
Charlie: Don’t be so naive, Razz. It’s from the family in Shameless. Far more well known and Frank Gallagher is the embodiment of how I want many of my soldiers to be.
Razz: A drunk on benefits?
Charlie: The drink is the perfect tonic to numb wounds. Makes the soldiers last a lot longer.
Buggles: We’ve got some exciting plans ahead haven’t we, Charlie? We’re even thinking of a plot to take out one of the nation’s great reformers as he’s too much of a threat.
Kain: David Cameron presumably.
Charlie: Of course not, Jeremy Kyle you fool! That man could derail my war effort. He’s a scary one.
Razz: You said something about a meeting, Kain!
Kain: Yes, I want to discuss the device that sits under the television and that all of us have had some experience of.
Buggles: I’m lost.
Kain: I’m talking about the Nintendo Wii! You must remember what happens each month.
Buggles: We eat?
Kain: I hope more than once a month!
Buggles: We sleep?
Kain: There’s an even greater need for us to do that more than once a month.
Buggles: We use the litter trays?
Kain: That one outscores food and sleep, but what I’m referring to is the fact that Beard Face gathers us together once a month and he weighs us using the Wii.
Charlie: Are you sure about this, Kain?
Kain: Of course I am, why do you think he holds us tightly before standing on that white platform.
Razz: I just thought he was scared and needed comfort.
Kain: He uses that device to weigh himself and then us. Meticulous notes are kept about our weights and…
Charlie: Quite right. That’s strict discipline. Just what the army needs.
Kain: …if we’re too heavy though they reduce our daily rations.
Charlie: An ingenious strategy. This Beard Face isn’t as stupid as he looks, is he?
Razz: The Wii is clearly a danger to our existence then.
Kain: It’s not just us. Beard Face and Frizzy Hair use it frequently for purposes other than weighing.
Buggles: Cooking food?
Kain: I’m referring to exercises. They put all kinds of games on and pretend they’re bowling or running an obstacle course. The worst is that Mario Kart game. Two grown adults clutching steering wheels that are not attached to anything and pretending they’re driving cars.
Charlie: Stop there! You mean there’s a steering wheel that can drive a car without being attached to it? Why did no one tell me this before? I traded 400 tins of Whiskas food for that that tank outside and now you’re telling me all that I need is one of these steering wheels.
Kain: The steering wheel is just to move the cars in the Mario Kart game, Charlie. You can’t sit by a motorway clutching the wheel and manoeuvring passing cars.
Buggles: What else can the Wii do? Why’s it called a Wii? It sounds like using the litter tray!
Razz: The spelling is completely different, Buggles. Congratulations, you have joined the lower echelons of society and sit shoulder to shoulder with the fools that have made that same ridiculous joke!
Charlie: What else does this Wii thing do? I can drive cars now with a portable steering wheel but what other gifts are there?
Kain: There are shooting games, you have a nunchuk device, you can ski, play table tennis, jog, sword fight, many things. I must add though Charlie that the Wii is…
Charlie: …the greatest innovation my army could have hoped for. I will train my soldiers with it then divide them into units. One unit will go into battle with portable steering wheels, the others will use the boards, nunchuks and controllers. We cannot lose.
Kain: But you must let me add…
Charlie: Silence! My mind is made up. The world is mine thanks to the Wii. Come Buggles, let us begin preparations for war.
Razz: I didn’t realise Charlie was so stupid.
Kain: Buggles is even less sharp.
Razz: Buggles, you need to talk some sense into Charlie.
Buggles: What do you mean?
Razz: The Wii is just a device for playing games and doing excercises. You can’t take the nunchuk, gun and steering wheel out into the world and fight wars with them, you know?
Buggles: I know, Razz, I’m not stupid. I intend to talk to him.
Buggles: I’ll mention it this afternoon while we’re playing tennis.
Razz: But we haven’t got any tennis rackets or courts.
Buggles: What’s this then?
Kain: That’s a controller for the Wii.
Buggles: This is whatever we want it to be, Kain. I must get going. We’re going water skiing after the tennis and maybe having a round of bowling as well. Farewell.
Kain: At least there’s one consolation to take from Charlie and Buggles’ undoubted stupidity.
Razz: What’s that?
Kain: The world will remain more than safe so long as Charlie’s weapons of mass destruction continue to be Wii accessories.
Razz: Too true. Is that the end of the meeting?
Kain: Yes, let’s go and entertain ourselves. You want to catch mice or scratch the curtains?
Razz: Can we do that on the Wii?
Kain: We can probably do both. Me first though!