Long ago, in a Yorkshire town far, far away…
Four cats all living in the same house await the moment their two owners (who have their uses from time to time) leave for work so they can gather round and discuss current affairs. Everything from the Reformation to the irony of Cheryl Cole’s “limp, lifeless” hair product adverts is covered once a month by the feline quartet. Your dramatis personae are:-
Kain – Chair of the meetings, self-proclaimed leader and feline equivalent of Winston Churchill
Razz – Perennially sour-faced but lovable rogue with a tendency to pick one too many fights
Buggles – One-eyed charmer, the fastest eater in West Yorkshire, excited by life’s trivial things
Charlie – A born revolutionary, fiercely abhorrent to authority but always cute in his devastation
This month’s topic is…
Kain: Thank you for attending this latest meeting gentlecats! I know we’d all rather be asleep by the radiator but I felt we had to gather to discuss an important event.
Charlie: It’s really cold. Can we make this quick?
Buggles: He’s right. I want to get back to the lovely covers Beard Face and Frizzy Hair have placed around the house. They’re so comfy and lovely and soft and…
Razz: So, here we are once again, Kain, what’s on the agenda for today’s meeting.
Kain: This meeting is about Christmas.
Charlie: Is that the codename for an assault on Atlantis?
Kain: No it isn’t, Charlie, and as I’ve explained before, Atlantis no longer exists, it’s open to debate whether it existed in the first place.
Charlie: I don’t think you can prove that for certain. I know you showed me that world map thing but you could have just made that up. It didn’t even have our house on it so how am I supposed to take your word seriously?
Razz: Let’s get back to Christmas shall we? You youngsters will be experiencing it for the first time so I’m assuming Kain wants to brief you on what to expect.
Kain: That’s right. Now, you may have noticed a few things have changed around the house, the most obvious being a Christmas tree.
Buggles: That’s just so awesome, isn’t it? I mean one day it wasn’t there and the next day it had grown out of the floor. Incredible. I didn’t realise trees grew so fast.
Kain: Buggles, the tree isn’t real. It’s as fake as that UFO sighting Charlie claimed to have had last week.
Charlie: That was real, Kain, but you didn’t see anything because I shot them down before they could get near the house. It was a famous victory, just like the Spartans at Thermopylae.
Razz: Didn’t they lose?
Charlie: They held up a Persian army for three days, what more do you want?
Kain: It feels like you’ve been holding up this meeting for three days, Charlie. Can I please continue?
Charlie: Why not? I’ll tolerate this gathering a little longer.
Kain: Okay, as well as Christmas trees and decorations such as tinsel…
Buggles: I love tinsel, it’s so soft and glittery it makes me want to…
Kain: …as I was saying, aside from Christmas trees and decorations, we’ll have to contend with Christmas songs…
Razz: I do like Fairytale of New York.
Buggles: Me too, it’s so romantic.
Charlie: It’s just two people arguing. If you want real satisfaction then Stop the Cavalry is more my thing, it’s full of war.
Razz: It’s an anti-war song, Charlie.
Charlie: I don’t care which family members it’s about, it’s still a great song.
Kain: I can see I’m starting to lose you so I’d best get the main agenda item of this meeting out of the way – Santa Claus.
Buggles: Santa Claus? Where’s that? It’s sound like an island in the Specific.
Kain: Pacific and it’s not a place, Buggles, it’s a person.
Buggles: And what does he do?
Razz: He’s a fat guy with a white beard who dresses in red, and rides a sleigh full of presents through the stars that is hauled by a group of reindeers.
Charlie: Intriguing. Is he available for hire? I could use a man that commands a herd of reindeer and has claws. He’d be a most useful ally when I lead my forces into battle.
Kain: He’s not involved in the business of war, Charlie. Every year he travels throughout the world bringing presents to all the good children. He’s a nice man not a tyrant.
Buggles: Why does he do that?
Kain: He’s a kind sort I suppose. If we play our cards right he might bring us presents too.
Charlie: How does he get in the house?
Razz: He normally comes down the chimney.
Buggles: We don’t have a chimney.
Kain: Well, he comes through the front door.
Charlie: How? Beard Face and Frizzy Hair are the only ones with keys to that door. Did Santa have a reindeer steal a key and have them cut a set of their own?
Razz: He has a magic key that can open any door.
Buggles: He sounds amazing. I can’t wait to see him.
Charlie: I would also like a word or two with him. I have contacts that could make excellent use of that sleigh and those reindeers.
Kain: What are you going to do with Santa Claus?
Charlie: I haven’t decided yet. There’s room in the cellar.
Buggles: You can’t hurt Santa Claus, Charlie, he sounds amazing. I want to meet him.
Razz: Should I take Buggles out of the room, Kain?
Kain: Yes, I’ll need a couple of hours with young Charlie.
Razz: Good luck with the…education.
Buggles: Can I climb the curtains when I come back?
Razz: You can dye them orange for all I care.
Kain: Well, it’s just you and me, Charlie.
Charlie: What’s this all about, Kain?
Kain: I want to make sure there’s no foul play when Santa comes to see us. You seem hell-bent on sabotaging Christmas so I have something to show you, consider it a warning about what happened the last time someone tried to ruin the yuletide celebrations.
Charlie: Interesting, a DVD, what is it we’re watching?
Kain: The Nightmare Before Christmas!