Long ago, in a Yorkshire town far, far away…
Four cats all living in the same house await the moment their two owners (who have their uses from time to time) leave for work so they can gather round and discuss current affairs. Everything from the Reformation to the irony of Cheryl Cole’s “limp, lifeless” hair product adverts is covered once a month by the feline quartet. Your dramatis personae are:-
Kain – Chair of the meetings, self-proclaimed leader and feline equivalent of Winston Churchill
Razz – Perennially sour-faced but lovable rogue with a tendency to pick one too many fights
Buggles – One-eyed charmer, the fastest eater in West Yorkshire, excited by life’s trivial things
Charlie – A born revolutionary, fiercely abhorrent to authority but always cute in his devastation
This month’s topic is…
Kain: Thank you for coming. I know you all had general house devastation sandwiched by naps pencilled in your diaries but this meeting simply couldn’t wait.
Charlie: You sound really panicked. We’ve not run out of food have we?
Kain: It’s not about food, Charlie. Try to understand that the world, the universe, the very stars above us, all of that does not come down to your next bowl of food.
Razz: Are we not drifting from the point?
Buggles: Absolutely. We were talking about twinkling stars, not food.
Razz: If you and Charlie, mostly you Buggles, could keep quiet for a moment, Kain can explain what we’re all doing here.
Kain: Thank you. I called you all to this meeting because evil has risen in the UK and it threatens to forever change our way of life, and not for the better before anyone makes any wisecrack.
Charlie: What evil do you speak of Kain?
Kain: I speak of two individuals who are very dangerous.
Buggles: Ken and Deirdre Barlow?
Kain: No! For the last time, Buggles, Ken and his woolly jumpers and Deirdre and her Specsavers approved glasses are not real.
Razz: Cheryl Cole?
Kain: No, not her. Besides, I said two people, remember?
Razz: I felt her huge ego counted as more than one person.
Kain: Fair point, but it’s not her.
Buggles: What about Torvill and Dean?
Charlie: There you go again Buggles with your latest fad – ice skaters.
Buggles: It’s not a fad. They’re just amazing. Ice skating looks like great fun.
Kain: Before we drift off into Dancing On Ice, how about I just tell you who these people are?
Charlie: Is it Simon and Garfunkel?
Kain: Almost. The evil I’m referring to is Jedward.
Razz: Who is Jedward?
Kain: Make that who are Jedward. They’re two people.
Razz: A Siamese twin?
Kain: They are twins but not Siamese. Their names are John and Edward but they combined them to become Jedward.
Charlie: John doesn’t contribute much does he? They’ve only used one letter from his name.
Kain: Happens that’s a reflection of which is the more talented of the two, though I use the word talent begrudgingly because I can’t be bothered to look through our owner’s dictionary for an alternative. I still have nightmares about trapping my paws in that giant edition they have.
Charlie: They sound a bit like those politicians Iain and Duncan who only missed out on Downing Street because they kept fighting over bags of sweets.
Kain: Iain and Duncan were one person, Charlie, and he was a grown man, a serious man, not easily distracted by the lure of sweets as you are. As far as you’re concerned anything in a bag will do.
Charlie: I am still young and learning all the time. You won’t be so quick to criticise when I rule the world.
Kain: Should that day come, Charlie, I think critics in general will cease to exist. Anyone not queuing up to feed you will be surplus to requirements in your autocratic society.
Charlie: Nothing will be autocratic about my rule. I’ll be doing it all myself.
Kain: Autocratic, Charlie, not automatic!
Razz: Anyway, what do Jedward do?
Kain: They’re losing finalists from the X-Factor but, as is often the case with that show, they’ve still found fame. They have blonde quiffs and wear matching suits.
Charlie: I thought you were joking when you said evil but blonde quiffs! This is too much.
Razz: Now I understand why you have called this meeting. You intend to rid the world of Jedward.
Kain: Precisely. How should we do it?
Charlie: We could make them disappear. I have friends in the underworld that can do that, you know.
Kain: We’re not killing anyone, Charlie. That’s not what we’re about.
Buggles: You and Razz kill mice.
Razz: That’s different. They’re gifts for Frizzy Hair and Beard Face.
Kain: Anyway, we’re not killing Jedward, we just need them to not be in the limelight anymore.
Charlie: My contacts are very good. If anyone is annoying they relocate them.
Kain: Yes, into graves, Charlie. We’re not doing that, although I like the idea of Jedward moving somewhere.
Razz: Las Vegas?
Kain: I was thinking somewhere remote.
Kain: Fiji isn’t remote. People live there, Charlie.
Charlie: It’s an island in the middle of the ocean, what more do you want?
Kain: What if we send Jedward to Antarctica?
Razz: Isn’t it a bit cold there?
Kain: Yes, but those quiffs will keep them warm. They don’t need suitcases. They just stash all their belongings in there. That’s probably where Glenn Miller is.
Charlie: What about scientists? They’re always stationed on Antarctica.
Kain: It’s a small price to pay though Jedward showing up would be worse than the Thing terrorising Kurt Russell and friends in that eighties horror film.
Buggles: That was so awesome. There was snow and everything. Who would have thought you get snow in Antarctica.
Kain: Let’s pretend Buggles didn’t just speak then. Charlie, can your contacts arrange Jedward’s, how shall I say this? Not removal, relocation, or any other codename for murder, but holiday. Yes, holiday is a good one. Can you arrange it.
Charlie: Leave it with me.
Kain: The last item on the meeting concerns young Buggles. You may have noticed that he has been strangely quiet about Jedward and I’ll tell you why. Or would you like to misguided one?
Buggles: I don’t know what you mean?
Kain: I have here a copy of Jedward’s album, Planet Jedward, including a receipt with details of your credit card.
Buggles: It wasn’t me. Charlie sometimes uses my credit card.
Charlie: Only to buy food, not albums from blokes with blonde quiffs. That’s not my style. Have you ever met a revolutionary with a blonde quiff?
Kain: The final piece of evidence I want to present is this signed autograph of Jedward with your name on it Buggles. Have you anything to say?
Buggles: Okay, I admit I have a problem. They’re just so funny and so talented and they have blonde quiffs. I love them.
Razz: Is he beyond help, Kain. Is it too late to bring him back from the void?
Kain: It’s not too late. We did save him from that Noel Edmonds phase, remember? Charlie proceed with Operation Jedward. Razz and I will begin Buggles’ rehabilitation. A selection of The Beatles, Queen and U2 should get him back on track.
Charlie: You don’t think Jedward could ever escape from Antarctica do you?
Kain: Let’s hope not, Charlie. Global warming is now the second greatest threat to the future of the world. Let’s take steps to prevent the first. We’re all a part of this war now. Let’s begin.